The AU Collection
by BurpingLight
Summary: The ultimate parody of all noncanon AU fics out there. Features OOC, bad Japanese, ridiculous plotlines, and inappropriate slang. This one combines all the CCS nightmare fics into one crack horror show. Multichapter.


**This is a joint multi-chapter fic by 2 authors, burping goddess and fireylight. It's a parody of the alarming number of AU stereotypes in the CCS fandom. **

**Also note that we'll be using different themes for each chapter arc! There's already a page-long list for us to plow through…**

**We'll be bastardizing the Japanese language in this one, as many fics are oft to do. Prepare for weird slang/nicknames, inappropriate insertion of random Japanese words, OOC, rapid changing of POV/flashbacks, and general crackiness :)**

**Themes for our first arc: "midevil" times, royal engagements and childhood enemies. Let the torture begin.**

Chapter 1: Ancient Kingdoms of Li and Kinomoto! (Seriously, there's like 5 million "kingdom" fics out there)

On a morning like any other, Syaoran Li, prince of the Li kingdom was eating breakfast while his advisor, right-hand man and also cousin, Eriol Hiiragazawa, droned on about taxes and the current state of the Kinomoto army. At the word 'Kinomoto' Syaoran's spoon fell on the floor, and Eriol looked on in amusement as the heir to the kingdom's eyes glazed over – a sure sign that he was flashing back to an event which would never be removed from his mind…

_TEN YEARS AGO_

_Li was a brat. With chocolatey brown eyes. His eyes were special – they could glow in a variety of colours to reflect his inner emotions. They burned a bright red when he was angry, turned to a brilliant shade of amber when he was feeling pensive, and became onyx when he was in the throes of desire._

_He was feeling particularly bratty one day when he ran into a small girl at the royal playground. "Yo," he said._

_The girl ignored him. She continued to play with her stuffed bear, and Li bristled at being ignored. He was Prince Li of the Li Kingdom, godammit!_

_Having reached the end of his patience, the young prince stepped forward and snatched the offending stuffed animal from her tiny arms._

"_WAAAAAAAH!!!!" was the resounding cry. Li scowled and gave her a Patented Glare of Death ™._

"_Stop crying, woman," he commanded. _

_The chestnut-haired girl looked up and he was met with a pair dewy emerald orbs looking into his soul. Then her eyes immediately morphed into an intense jade as she glared right back at him. Li was stunned at this. It hadn't occurred to him that anyone else possessed magical mood-changing eyes, so this came as a bit of a shock._

_She pushed against him fiercely. (It was futile, since he was the strong and invincible future king of the Li Kingdom and all.)_

_Prince Syaoran Li was so shocked that she dared to lay hands on his royal person that he gaped for five whole seconds before shoving her back._

_They ended up on the floor in a tussle of limbs, with all the other royal children in the playground cheering them on._

_Just when things got heated up in a frenzy of clothes-ripping and biting, a strong arm appeared and backhanded Syaoran ten metres away._

_Syaoran wiped blood from his lip and stared at the imposing presence of the King Fujitaka of Kinomoto kingdom as the other royal children gasped in awe._

_King Fujitaka was about to open his mouth to yell at the brat who had hurt his daughter, but before he could do so, Queen Yelan of the Li kingdom appeared to shield her son from further abuse._

"_Get that slut away from my son, you uncouth barbaric king! How dare you lay hands on my precious son!" she shrieked._

_King Fujitaka looked like he was going have an apoplexy. "Your son started it first, you beyotch!"_

"_Stupid brat!" Young prince Touya piped up from behind his dad._

_As the various henchmen dragged the bitchslapping royalty away, it was already too late._

_For amidst the glowers of animosity between the young Syaoran and Sakura, the rivalry between Li and Kinomoto was born._

_END FLASHBACK_

Eriol interrupted his musings with a "Penny for your thoughts, my cute little descendant?"

Syaoran scowled in return. "None of your business, Hiiragazawa." However, he found that thoughts of a certain brown-haired girl with mood changing eyes kept drifting into his mind…

The breakfast was interrupted by the arrival of a frantic henchman prostrating himself at Syaoran's feet. "My lord!" he gibbered. "Your presence is required in the throne room!"

Syaoran felt a foreboding feeling creeping into his gut. "Crap," he thought. "This can't be good…"

_SAKURA'S POV_

Sakura woke with a start and wiped at the cold sweat lining her brow.

"Bad dream?" came a chirpy voice from her left. Her maid-in-waiting, Tomoyo Daidouji smiled cheerfully at her while holding a complete tea set and wearing a frilly white apron.

Sakura nodded mutely and turned to her bear-sama for comfort. As she breathed in the comforting scent of unwashed bear, her mind flashed back on the events of ten years ago.

_INSERT PREVIOUS FlASHBACK HERE_

"Hurry, wash up and eat your breakfast. The King wants to see you in the throne room."

Tomoyo sang out.

"HOEEE! I'm going to be late!" Sakura dressed in a flash and ran downstairs.

As her footsteps thundered into the throne room, Touya sighed. "Looks like the monster has finally arrived."

"What did you say?" Sakura demanded, planting her hands on her hip and glaring menacingly at her older brother.

King Fujitaka stepped in before it could escalate into a full blown argument. "We have received important news," he intoned seriously. "The Li Kingdom is offering the option of an alliance with us."

"NANIII?" Sakura screeched. "Don't tell me you're intending to accept?!"

"We are," Touya said grimly. "They're holding my lov- uh, best platonic friend there hostage until we agree to it."

"Yukito-san's been kidnapped?" Sakura's voice became shrill. Heavens forbid! Her childhood crush was in the hands of deranged, bitchslapping bear-snatchers! "What're you guys waiting for?! Sign the alliance already!"

Fujitaka exchanged a Look with his son. "Here's the thing. Due to a convenient plot device, the Li Kingdom has issued that they'll only accept a truce if we become bonded to them by a royal marriage." When the two siblings stared at him blankly, Fujitaka had to restrain himself from rolling his eyes. "_Sakurahastomarrysyaoran_," he coughed.

It was Touya's turn to screech this time. "NANIII? You told me that they just wanted to start a chocolate factory with our funding!"

"I lied," Fujitaka said bluntly. "Deal with it." He gave a kingly sweep of his cape and exited the scene with a debonair wave. "I'll be expecting an answer in 2 days, Sakura!"

Sakura was torn by grievous indecision. Save her love and marry a lout, or continue living as she was while the love of her life wasted away in a dungeon? Come to think of it, her side of the palace _was_ awfully homey… and she could probably find another sweet guy to replace Yukito… and she'd also heard horror stories of the Li kingdom not having islandwide internet access…

"I've decided!" she called out in the general direction where her father had disappeared off to. "I won't be marrying the Li – "

Before she could even finish her sentence, a very alarmed plot device swooped down and whisked her away to a one-way carriage bound for the Li Kingdom.

Soon a shriek echoed through the halls of the Kinomoto palace.

"Sakura-hime has run away!" Tomoyo sobbed hysterically. "I must go after her!" she announced to the entire hall and flounced off to pack her luggage (the only items in said luggage were costumes and a video recorder).

_--In the Li Kingdom--_

"NANIII!" Syaoran shouted in disbelief. "Why do we have to have an alliance with them in the first place??" he demanded of his mother.

"Because we don't have to money to go to war with them _and_ upgrade our entire country to a wireless 3G network. We're already the entire laughingstock of all the countries for being so technologically backwards!" Yelan Li huffed indignantly.

Eriol nodded sagely.

"So," Yelan Li continued relentlessly, ignoring the sputtering gasps of her protesting son, "You will have to marry Sakura and that's FINAL."

Syaoran felt his mind fall deep into the depths of a river in Egypt.

"It can't be that bad, my cute little descendant. 'The Royal Tabloid' has once reported that she has grown up to be a lovely young lady, if a little media-shy. No photo of her has ever been published, alas." Eriol waved a copy of the famously shameless gossip rag that covered rumours and scandals of royalty across all kingdoms.

Syaoran's scream of fury could be heard reverberating throughout the entire Li palace.

_--50 miles away on an isolated country road--_

"Hands in the air! This is a robbery!"

A lonesome carriage with one occupant was ambushed by slavers.

Tsuzuki

**Mourning the death of CCS canon…  
**

**Next chapter: Enslavement, Email correspondence, and Matchmaking (by the infamous duo of E x T lurrrve.) And yes, this all takes place in the "midevil" arc. -snorts-  
**


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